Lately, I’ve felt that there are some things missing here at Eagle Rock High, and I haven’t been able to figure out exactly what. But after some thorough soul searching, I’ve come up with a list of 5 absolute necessities in order to take ERHS to the next level.

THE “BLEAGLE"

I’ve always been a firm believer in the importance of a school blimp, and the lack of one here at ERHS is, frankly, quite disturbing. I propose the “Bleagle”. The Bleagle would be a colossal, inflatable, green and grey bald eagle soaring majestically over our school. Now I’m sure you have your doubts, but rest assured, the Bleagle won’t just be a major intimidator to all surrounding schools, it’ll have much more practical uses as well.

Think of it as a warden. The Bleagle will possess a mystical power known as “Conflict Prevention”. This invisible force can sense when someone is about to burst into violence, and will subsequently beam them up, and send them to a breathtaking clifftop overlook on the Coast of Norway via an eagle egg shaped pod. This process is what I like to call “The Bleagles Blessing”. Atop a Norwegian mountain, they will have 30 minutes to self reflect, before they are returned to campus.

Trust me, you will not regret investing in The Bleagle.

A PULCHRITUDINOUS BOG

Ever felt a deep, uncontrollable yearning to sit next to a pulchritudinous bog and contemplate why you just failed your math final? Well soon you’ll be able to at your own leisure, right on our beautiful campus. Now, you may be thinking, don’t we already have a bog next to the tennis courts? In response, I would ask you to seize that thought, and absolutely pulverize it until it is nothing more than an undeveloped contemplation, then proceed to hurl it with all your might as far away from you as possible, because that patch of repulsive sludge is no more than a swamp. This is not to ignore the beauty of a good swamp in any way, but it is a well known fact that bogs are far superior.

Our bog would be established smack dab in the middle of the football field, because who needs football when you have a bog? And instead of football, we would compete in professional bog-watching, where players would compete to see who could watch the bog with the most intent gaze.

The bog would also be home to a multitude of wildlife, such as keeled skimmers, curlews, and snipes. And if you’re lucky, you might even find a bog bush-cricket crouched and cricketing while sitting on a butterwort.

UNDER THE BLEACHERS

The bleachers have always been a go to spot for all sorts of communal activities, but lately, I feel like they’ve been lacking something. So I looked around, and after a thorough examination, I discovered this expanse of unused space, right underneath them. And that’s when it hit me. We need a nightclub under the bleachers. The menu would consist of various non-alcoholic beverages such as Lime Cucumber Gatorade and fresh hose water, which I’m sure would be a hit among the football players. The only food items on the menu would be cornichons, cashews, shredded parmesan cheese, and the holy grail, Cafe LA Coffee Cake. The name of this club would be “UNDER THE BLEACHERS'' (stylized in all capitals), and yes, Lime Cucumber Gatorade does exist.

DRIVING RANGE

Driving ranges have always been a very important outlet in my life, and I’m sure many students at ERHS would agree, if they had easy access to one. This is why I suggest the construction of a driving range right on campus. Worried about midterms, finals, or even an English presentation? Just stop by the driving range during the passing period and thwack your nervousness into oblivion! A driving range could quite possibly create a real-life stress free zone. That is, within a 50 meter radius. In order to get the full 200 meter radius we’d have to upgrade to the “Ultimate” edition, for the out-of-our-budget price of $10. But I’m sure, with some generous funding from LAUSD, we’ll be able to afford it.

BLACK MARKERS

Seriously, there are no black markers that aren’t dead. And while you’re getting those, throw in some white board markers. Preferably black and blue, but red works too. Oh yeah, and avoid the “CraZart” ones, they die in less than a week of light to medium use.