Official Santa-approved reindeer ranking

Art by Grace Gill.

Using several Santa-approved articles and the iconic Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer song and movie, I have compiled the most accurate and up-to-date ranking of Santa’s reindeer. Disclaimer: supposedly science has recently proved all of Mr. Clause’s reindeer to be female. That being said, I think it is safe to disregard science in this case and use the classic gender identities of the reindeer to stay as true to the original story as possible. Anywho, in absolute last place in my reindeer ranking is...

Image courtesy of Andreas Dress.

#9. Donner

Apparently, I was the last to find out that Donner is actually Rudolph’s dad. I have a problem with this. If Donner is his father then that means he simply sat back and watched while his son got bullied. It also means he allegedly bullied his own child, the song Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer clearly states, “All of the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names.” All.

#8. Dasher

Image courtesy of Norman Tsui.

Dasher is Santa’s eldest reindeer and still bullied Rudolph, a child, while Dasher was a grown man. This makes him come across as pathetic and a hater, not to mention he qualifies for the early bird special. The only good thing I learned about him is that he was considered the fast one.

Image courtesy of Geran de Klerk.

#7. Prancer

I hate his name. I am aware that he had no decision in his name, but I believe it has shaped him as a reindeer. He is said to be vain and I have no other reasoning for my hatred other than the fact that his name makes him sound like a jerk.

#6. Dancer

Image courtesy of Judith Prins.

He sounds like he is related to Prancer, therefore he is a jerk by association. Also, he is extroverted and that seems like a lot to handle. I’m sure he’s a good dancer though, if not I would be very disappointed.

Image courtesy of Adrien Ledoux.

#5. Blitzen

Blitzen is chill, I have absolutely nothing against him. His name is subpar and he is a little bit boring because I could not find much information about him but he was considered a hard worker. I respect that.

#4. Cupid

Image courtesy of Nicolas Lafargue.

Cupid is a sweet guy, besides the bullying and harassment of a child. He is friendly and affectionate but he is a bit of a holiday traitor. Though I do feel bad for him because no one ever thinks of the reindeer first when you hear the name Cupid.

#3. Rudolph

Image courtesy of Tim Gouw.

We have officially entered the top 3 starting with Rudolph. I was getting very mixed results on where he should be but I ultimately decided he needed to be in the final 3 at least. Honestly, he was lowkey mid despite saving all of Christmas. With magic and modern-day technology, headlamps can easily fix the fog issue. Also, I understand that he complained about the other reindeer, not including him, but to be fair he was an actual child. In the song Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer it says, “They never let poor Rudolph join in any reindeer games.” Like, yeah, he was a kid.

#2. Comet

Image courtesy of Juan Encalada.

I couldn’t gather too much information on Comet, he is only in second place because his name is cool. Though he was reputedly known for being caring but easily distracted, I really resonated with that. #Relatable

#1. Vixen

Image courtesy of Nathan Wolfe.

Finally, in the first place, we have the one and only Vixen. She was originally the only female reindeer in the herd making her a feminist icon. Fighting the patriarchy is hard therefore all bullying charges against her are dropped. She is also thought of as mysterious and a jack of all trades, which makes her awesome.

All in all, this is just one woman’s opinion. Everyone is entitled to their own ranking, even if they’re horrendously incorrect.