Operation Microwash: the restoration of a microwave

Art by Brett Corpuz

The world is flawed. In Eagle Rock High School, within the wretched side room of Room 216, resides a microwave—tarnished by the cruelty of time and abuse. Many unfortunate yet desperate students come to this place to heat their sad, cold food and are met with the splattered remains of various ingredients, ranging from spaghetti sauce to hardboiled eggs. Consequently, the residue food has built up and turned the microwave into a nuclear biohazard.

What is Man without a microwave? We believe that every microwave should be sanitary and suitable for heating food. And so we, the Radiation Remediation Task Force (RRTF), have taken the initiative to dispel the biohazard that resides within, announcing ‘Operation Microwash’. But alas, dispelling a biohazard is easier said than done.

‘Operation Microwash’ was up and running on September 6th. Using a Geiger counter, it was discovered that the microwave emitted a level of 452 mSv (millisieverts), enough to almost cause acute radiation sickness. Upon closer inspection, remnants of food were encrusted on every surface of the microwave; the top, the sides, even the door—it was petrifying. What was once a beautiful, spotless white surface was now grimed with aged brown filth. We couldn’t even determine what food it once was. One RRTF operator fainted on the spot and an evacuation was issued immediately.

After assessing the damages, RRTF lead officers devised a plan to restore the hygiene of the microwave:

Step 1: Seal off the side room, create parameters, prepare equipment

Step 2: Transport and isolate microwave parts for decontamination

Step 3: Eliminate contaminants, deep scrub, and sterilization of microwave interior and exterior

Step 4: Reassess the condition before reopening for public accessibility

The operation commenced immediately. Broadcast members who were filming in the side room were escorted out and screened for symptoms of acute radiation sickness. Fortunately, they hadn’t been exposed to the microwave too closely and for too long.

After securing the area, our RRTF operators geared up in the highest fortified masks and unbreachable vinyl gloves. Equipped with top-grade cleaning supplies, the second phase was initiated: neutralizing the contaminants.

RRTF operators began the extraction of the microwave turntable for isolated containment and later cleansed it at one of our Sanitation Infrastructures for Neutralizing Killers (SINKs). Meanwhile, the microwave itself was carefully and thoroughly scraped of its biohazardous leftovers. The residual food was placed into red biohazard waste containers for proper disposal. This procedure proved to be very difficult, as being in such close proximity to the contaminants was incredibly dangerous—our operators had to tap out and be substituted frequently to avoid experiencing life-threatening effects. Frighteningly, one operator displayed symptoms of radiation poisoning; extreme nausea in addition to vomiting.

Despite the fatal nature of the job, they all persevered. Moving onto the next phase, they coated the microwave and its turntable in hundreds of layers of disinfectant solution, ending all radioactivity and decimating possible pathogens.

The operation concluded that very day. The mission had been a difficult but hard-earned success. Once again assessing the condition, the Geiger counter determined that the microwave emitted a level of 2 mSv, a safe and innoxious state without prolonged exposure. All brown filth had been wiped clean, restoring all the hygiene it once had from the glory days. Our client had been astonished by the operation’s stellar results saying, and I quote, “It looks like brand new.”

Further investigation into how the microwave had reached such a state was conducted. Our private detectives concluded that the main culprit responsible for the damage was none other than Charles-Henry Lubatti, a convicted felon who after apprehension pleaded guilty to heating old school lunch without a cover on for one of his review articles. Consequently, the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) has administrated regulations regarding microwave quality for the safety and protection of citizens.

Today, the students of Eagle Rock High School have never felt more happy and safe microwaving their food. Its pristine surfaces and pleasant aroma are admired by fellow microwavers, fostering a thriving, well-fed, and warmly-fed community. The side room of Room 216 had become a haven. Checks-up are conducted bi-weekly to ensure the well-being of the microwave.

Our RRTF operators who placed their lives on the line to perform such a service to the community will be hailed as “microwave heroes” for the rest of the school’s history. The world may still be flawed, but with a spotless microwave, it’s a lot more bearable.