WHOEVER KEEPS STEALING MY CHOCOLATE MILK BETTER SQUARE UP

Art by Alfonso Marone

It was around 11:50 am when I, like most students, was eating lunch at the tables. My mouth was dry from eating cheesy pockets that the cheese in was, for any reason, frozen solid. “I know what I shall use to moisten my mouth,” I thought, “Chocolate milk!” I rummaged through my tray only to find that what I needed was missing. I was inconsolable and infuriated. “Who did this?” I lashed out at my friends, but they stood there, dumbfounded, appalled at this crime against humanity. I decided Mr. Moran mistook it for the keys to his golf cart and brushed it off. Fast forward two days and the same thing had happened again and again. And that’s when I realized there was a chocolate milk thief out to get me.

After the staff said my ordeal wasn’t worth their time, I decided to take matters into my own hands. I asked around, looked for any leads, peered into every recycling bin and every trash can, as bad as they were, and checked the lost and found to see if anyone put a half-drunken chocolate milk carton in there. I also asked the Dean if this violated the school’s Title IX bullying and harassment policy, but to no avail. After all these roadblocks, I decided the next logical step was to make a suspect list:

Suspect #1: Jake from Statefarm

The face of the insurance company, Statefarm, and my archnemesis. Jake from Statefarm has the means to steal through his demon powers and the motivation because he hates all things good.

He also has the power to shape-shift:

Suspect #2: The bad guys from the Beatles Yellow Submarine movie

The main antagonist in the Beatles’ Yellow Submarine movie, the ‘Blue meanies’ have always had it out for me ever since I was a six-year-old watching the movie and mistook them for Mickey Mouse.

They’re also very scary, and I don’t like them.

Suspect #3: The Blue Man Group

The esteemed entertainment trio, the Blue Man Group, have the physical capabilities of a monkey on various experimental performance-enhancing drugs. They can do backflips and eat twinkies without vomiting, so they could easily break into the school EVEN without a daily pass.

I’m also pretty sure they stole everything in my hotel room while I was in Las Vegas.

I tried reaching out to all of these people but it turns out Jake from Statefarm is too busy, the Blue Meanies don’t exist, and the Blue Man Group don’t talk. It was then that I realized what my case was missing; evidence. I took out all the things I kept from that fateful day and my memorabilia to remember my dear missing chocolate milk and compiled a list of evidence.

Exhibit A: An empty carton of chocolate milk.

Exhibit B: A plastic bag filled with chocolate milk.

Exhibit C: A replica of the chocolate milk that was stolen that I made.

Exhibit E: A splotch of blood found on my lunch tray, hopefully from the thief.

​​Although there are no promising leads, I must keep faith that the culprit will be caught. I’ve enlisted the help of someone who claims to be a forensic scientist, so if anyone asks you for some hair, just give it to them.

So I leave you with this final message: if you have any information, please contact me. But if the thief happens to be reading this, just know that I am on to you. You are the worst person to ever exist and your pathetic, meaningless life is about to get that much worse.